uncertainty

that warm embrace too much for you honey ?

no , did u ever think maybe if your life would not be what it is today this year at this very moment , if you took that one decision in your life differently , would you have been a different person with some other ideologies . what could have been .

people say they are confused about life , they don’t know what they want . what would you call someone who is confused about themselves they can’t decide who they are ?

I once was a person who loved ”love” or maybe the idea of it , jumped into every relationship I could and thought ‘this was it’ so many times , only to get one slap from reality every time one dream broke , untill it came to a point where i started giving those slaps of reality to others . and the mere idea of being in a relationship and belonging to someone scared me , irritated me , made me feel nauseous . maybe it was the newfound freedom ,that gave me the power to choose a mate or not choose one at all .

why was I so enticed by love at some point ? was it because I was a naive little teenager or because i saw darkness in my surroundings and desired a warm comfy embrace .

I believe even if you try to wash off all that is dark in your life with a whitewash of positivity and all that is new and good , there is always going to be one little speck of dirt of that very darkness left in one tiny corner . you could ignore it , sure . never look at it never pay attention to it . sure but you will know . it’s there , it’s always there .

you don’t know when will you be whole , 25 ? 30 maybe ? might not be ever or maybe you never realized you were what you were ever destined to be already all this time .

nobody knows , even people who say they do are only gifting you something called hope because that’s what kept them going .

I clearly don’t know why I write all this , nobody but me reads this , none of my closest humans know i have a place i write and store things at . this is my little dark corner of Screenshot_20171212-161901solace .

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That same old void. 

If you are alone in a room and for no definite reason that you can think of , it’s very easy for you or sometimes even uncontrollable that you break down in tears . There is something not so right . 

In my opinion every person goes through a rough patch and not just one , after all that’s life , right ? But some are superheroes who take the good and leave the bad with that and move on and for some it’s not so easy they need help to get rid of that rough patch and move on to the good part . 

This is point where you think to yourself there’s good and bad in everyone’s life yes there is but how you deal with every little situation in your life depends upon how your mind and your personality has been made up and that comes from how have you been brought up . What are your thoughts , how do you think and a no. of other things . 

The same thing that is insignificant for someone can be a wrecking ball for someone else . 

You can’t judge and you are no1 to . 

When do you seek help ?? Is it when you realize you can’t do it alone . Is it when you think you can afford help ?? Is it when you know you just can’t keep it in so you tell your family ?? Or is it when you just can’t think straight anymore ?? 

There are people who need help and are aware of the fact but that thing for which they need help has not yet caused a major inconvenience in their daily routine.  So on the weekend in a party when they feel left out and go to take a leak and shed a single tear but wipe that mascara off and wing the liner again and walk out.  They know something is wrong but the upcoming dread of Monday and the false reassurance of being fine once busy keeps them going through that evening till they pass out . 

But that demon still lives inside breaking you just a lil every time . 

Mental health is no joke but in this fast paced life of a cut throat world , there simply isn’t time for us to give it the due importance and that’s exactly what is fucking us all up very slowly but steadily.  

We all take pride in “not caring ” , we are too cool for that , only till the point where someone you knew shows up in the newspaper article of committed suicide . 

Isn’t it sad that we have become so impervious that death which is the ultimate end to an entire life of a being , is the only thing that shakes us that too a little for just a while ? 

Too cool to give a fuck , right ? That’s exactly what is killing us.  

Smoke

Ordered her coffee and she sat down , wondered how could she possibly study in a coffee shop so crowded with people constantly talking and the nonchalant chaos entering her ears from all directions. 

Ila had finally stepped outside by herself after a long time today , feeling a little positive for change.  

She finished her sandwich and stepped outside with the leftover half coffee and lit up a cigarette ; 

And counted , this time 24 . 

By the time the last puff from the cigarette was taken along with sips of coffee , twenty four people had given her a look of astonishment or rather suprise , she couldn’t make that out but she knew the look . 

The look of omg she is smoking standing all by herself in an open space being a female . 

It was the last part that got to her the most. Reminded her of the first time she had smoked alone in a public space and she couldn’t have cared less.  

Did he take away the confidence from her when he broke up ? Or was it not his fault and it was just her mind playing tricks on her again , wanting to dive back into the black hole she had dragged it out of three years ago . Who knew.  

But she didn’t flinch this time or drop the cigarette half smoked down and walk away , she stood there smoking staring straight back at them , sipping her coffee . Taking a step back towards being herself ,towards healing . 

I know smoking is bad for my health , she thought to herself , I’m a doctor for crying out loud , it’s not about that here it’s about a person trying to cope the best way she / he knows to not reach a point of self destruction maybe and it would be rather nice if people would just let them be , for a change.  

But then again , they didn’t see that part did they and also why do we care so much about them ? Are the 24 pair of eyes looking at you and your cigarette being smoked making you uncomfortable ? 

She knew the answer even if she didn’t want to say it ; “yes”.  

Connection 

So many people, just pass by , Come and go From our lives , 

Only a handful of them  lisn like it matters and  don’t belittle us and our thoughts , our existences .

Have you ever wondered how at that perticular instance you have no idea that the person sleeping beside you is not going to be a part of ur life 2 years later. 

You try and take it all in , capture the moment or you try to but you can only do so much in such little time and thrs still always that feeling that maybe if I just had a lil more time . 

I”m a very caged person when it comes to my thoughts.  And over time there have been so many people I’ve connected with on a mental level and it never ceased to amaze me how similar that person was and you think this is it now I have an outlet to share my crazy mind and then out of the blue you are not even in talking terms with that person after a few months. So many people . 

You think you have a connection , but you never know what another human being is capable of.  And you can never know . 

4 years back.  If I ask you to remember who was the person that really “knew you” who “got you” 

Is that person still around ??? Does that person still understand the chaos in ur head ??

 It’s scary too loose People , loose “”connections”” like that , and our generation takes pride in feeling stone cold 


Night

That shield you have up , in the day against all emotions against all feelings good or bad , you take them in the numbness like a black hole . 

Why does it fall at night , there’s something about it that can’t resist the vulnerability of the darkness around and inevitably brings your’s out .

You feel again , you cry again , you smile a little and you feel like dying that very moment . 

Only to open your eyes to sunlight , with the shield up again.  

Don’t let it fall tonight.  

Happiness

You are aging , every second of the day . 

There is change going inside you . 

Your skin is not the same . And won’t be the same always.  

Neither will your weight , your hair or your waistline . 

But what’s wrong with that !? 

Change is the only constant and you weren’t born the way you were in ur prime .

It took you time to get there and from there , then time will take you to another milestone of life , might not be as hot and sassy as that but milestone nonetheless . So what are you hiding really ? 

Who are you kidding when you say you love something or someone you don’t . 

It’s your life you are wasting every second that passes by … And every moment you waste pleasing anyone else but you,  brings you closer to your own death.  

Yes no1 will care more than a few years of your passing away but don’t you wanna fill the time you have on this planet with something more valuable than fakeness or lost chances or trying to fit in !?? 

Happiness is relative . Find where your lies and go live there​.  

The story behind .

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We are breathing , surviving , every year every month every week every day ….every second . there is always , always a story behind .

history is something we all have but how much does it matter , two point of views to look at it …positive one first – just look forward it doesn’t matter where you come from in the past …just keep looking forward , moving forward … and succeeding at life … you will live better that way …. now the second one …. man .. i was born in that what could i do , i did not have this did not have that …. both exist !

a third one though , where you realize your history , you “feel it” where you have come from but still walk forward , is what is the middle road , maybe doesn’t  sound so successful but keeps me at peace .. and i don’t know about the world . i know about myself ….

writing gives me peace … i do not have ADHD but i still have a very unstable mind with millions of unsettling thoughts .. as i grew in age they grew in number ….the older i got the more thoughts i had every sec… writing puts them in a line .. i find answers to my own questions sometimes … the ones none of my closest could answer …..so i write , to keep me sane .

no m not a ratchet looking hippie with a dazed look on my face searching for answers , m a normal functioning human being studying medicine , living what is called a acceptable lifestyle under normal societal norms and guidelines . m not a rebel .

wish i was . maybe will be . one day

coming back … history … it matters , it affects us , more than we think .

i wasn’t born the person i am today …. neither were my parents … nor is any us …my dad was the golden boy … the guy who is sent outside village to study and do the family proud …mom not so much , she was born in the city itself …they did decently well in life got married decided to settle down in the city , got jobs in state government , decent paying ones … and then we kids came along … you see a simpler life back then …. [ yes i do believe at times , that the more options we have the harder the choice becomes , compare the older times vs now ]

my fathers heart always lived in the village he was born in , din matter that he settled in the city made a new family in city and mother adapted herself to that , cuz that’s what women did back then .. adjust to keep everyone happy and some how in some way that made them happier too … or that’s what they tell us … anyway ain’t nothing can be done about the past times now anyway …

i was sent to a catholic modern day school cuz ”moving forward’ we earn well we will send our daughter to a good school .. you , me any second person would have done the same … my journey began from there ….

contd in next post ..some other day .